selfish

who picks up the pieces

when you break your own heart

do you glue it together and keep it?

or does it just fall apart?

do the shards scrape your skin

as you pick them off the street?

do you feel the adrenaline kick in

when the blood pools at your feet?

do you step in right then

or wait until its six feet deep?

i don’t really know who i am anymore

or maybe i do and dont want to admit it

i hear it all the time in fairytales and folklore but

everyone has happy endings and I just want to end it

why do i do it

why do i screw it all up

why do i feel like im never enough

i’ve always been tough

raising those kids on my own I might’ve been rough but

in the end it was all for the best but

lately I’ve

been failing every test not getting any rest

because of the nightmares of me puncturing my own chest no my brain

never gives it a rest so I sleep less and less until

im ready to collapse but at the end of the day

Im still looking for what I lack

why can’t they look me in the eyes no more?

God, why can’t they tell me why they cry no more?

why am I like this, I asked my mom over breakfast

she said you’ll never be happy, you’re not selfish

you’ll never find love, you’re not selfish

you always love too hard and get too jealous

the decisions you make are just too hellish and

you’re just not selfish.

I didn’t smell fish but I knew that shit was fishy

I said I thought it was bad to be selfish, what am I missing?

she said because you don’t listen,

when someone tells you they love you you don’t listen

when someone tells you they want you you don’t listen

when someone falls in love with you you don’t listen

and when you fall in love you don’t listen

you don’t know you’re in until you’re already in and

when you’re in you still feel like you’re out

it doesn’t really matter anymore who’s taking you out

so what matters, i shout

what route do i take, what pattern do i break because

i swear this isn’t fake, I really don’t know what it’ll take for

me to stop making these mistakes and yes i know

the hurt the rape it all adds up

but why do i still fuck up

she says you just aren’t selfish enough

i know you’re in love and every time he picks you up

your brain shoves you down and stuffs insecurity down your throat,

as if you can inhale it like smoke but the motion makes you choke

why do you do it

why do you screw it all up

because you aren’t selfish enough

to love someone and keep them

when they’ll probably be happier with someone else

so you get ready to leave you take

everything you love and set it free but

baby if that boy is your heart then

how will you breathe?

if that boy is all you look for

how will you see?

i know what your love looks like,

you lay the world at his feet

i bet when you kiss him

theres nothing more sweet

if hes hungry

can you even eat?

if he isn’t there

can you even sleep?

if he’s inside you and it hurts,

why don’t you scream?

i say because it doesn’t really matter about me

i just want him to be happy and yes I can dream

but the truth is I don’t know if he’s happiest with me

so I pack my emotions and get ready to leave

I do some fucked shit to convince me to leave

I don’t deserve him I should just let them be

she was his person you see and I’m just me

no mom i never wanted to hurt that boy

mom i just wanted to love that boy mom

i just wanted to hold that boy mom

she says exactly, just ever so matter-of-factly

she looked at me like I was overreacting

she said this isn’t just a fling

this isn’t just some momentary thing

you have to stop thinking, your mind keeps sinking

and i know you can’t swim

be selfish she said

i turned my head, my eyes must’ve been red

she said be selfish with love, don’t let it leave

and when you have doubts make sure you believe

don’t grieve when something isn’t gone

no point of moving different when you don’t have to move on

no one is asking you to be strong but

you have to quit doing the wrong things

for the right reasons

you have to forget that sacrifice is all that you’re made of

you have to forget that loss is all that you’re made of

i know you probably feel crushed

but that’s only because you haven’t been selfish enough